Diary of a Therapist in Therapy #1: The Decision

A re-introduction to the reasons as to why I have decided to go to therapy.

(Re)Introduction

As some of you may already be aware (as this post was originally a podcast episode), I am a psychologist and therapist who has recently started therapy. Well, I’ve had seven therapy sessions over the last eight weeks, which feels pretty recent to me, at least. As part of this experience, I thought I would chronicle some reflections about the process. Additionally, when I asked on my social media account if any of you would be interested, there was enough interest to make this worthwhile. Therefore, I hope that some of you who read this may find it valuable and helpful or that it might offer you something to reflect on. Who knows.

Initially, I was going to do this as a podcast series (and I did one episode on it). Still, in planning and putting my thoughts into words for the second episode, I realised I had to think of a lot of reflections to make it a “worthwhile” podcast episode (yes, we can already sense the perfectionistic judgements - don’t worry, it’s not the last time you’ll hear about them; I mention them a lot on my account!) And so, as the podcast series was going to take a “diary” format, I decided to chronicle my therapy experience in written form, with brief reflections rather than half-hour-long podcast chats. (Also, the first episode’s original ad hoc chatty nature was a bit repetitive and long-winded according to some critics – my loving and honest partner).

Therefore, this is my first therapy “diary” entry re-visited and reformatted. If you’ve already listened to the podcast episode (which I will have deleted from the catalogue by now), then this will be a repeat of some of that, so I won’t hold it against you if you stop reading at this point (unless, of course, you want a reminder of why I’ve decided to undertake therapy, in which case, enjoy it for the second time).

Why Am I Going to Therapy?

Again, for those not aware, I have not had to undertake any formal therapy as part of becoming a psychologist and therapist. When you train to become a psychologist, you train and become skilled in certain therapy models, such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). The models of therapy offered at the university I studied at included Behavioural, Cognitive Behavioural, Systemic, and Psychodynamic, of which you had to specialise in two. And unless you elected to specialise in the Psychodynamic model of therapy, there was no expectation to undertake your own therapy to complete the doctorate. However, if you study as a psychotherapist or counsellor, there is some expectation of receiving a certain number of hours of therapy as part of the qualification (I once did a whole story series on this, but I can’t remember all the details. However, if anyone is interested in my writing this up in more detail let me know).

So, anyway, long story short, I have never had therapy. My decision, then, to undertake therapy was two-fold. Firstly, I have found parenting challenging. Without going into too much detail, I have been quite surprised by how strongly I have felt certain emotions while adjusting to parenthood, which is still how I think about it: that I am adjusting. Because it is ever-changing. And just when I think I have figured it out, it changes again. Which I am sure is an experience familiar to any and all parents who may be reading this. But, despite this likely being a typical experience (and me consciously knowing it is likely an everyday experience), I wanted to explore my reactions to parenting in therapy. However, getting to this stage has taken me a long time. Why? Why would a psychologist and therapist take so long to go to therapy if they felt they needed it?

Well, some of it had to do with the fact that I am a psychologist and therapist. There was a part of me that insisted I knew how to handle the things that were going on for me in relation to parenting because it was literally my job to know and help others understand and manage their emotions and thought processes and to become aware of and understand the links between historical factors and present reactions. To some degree, I had some idea anyway of what historical things were impacting me now. But, despite all my knowledge and awareness of what I should be doing and that I should be able to cope, I was still struggling. The other factor was my stupid idea of manhood and reservations about being open with someone. Yes, I know it is a massive hypocrisy, both in the fact that I encourage others to be open with me and that I speak so much of how men should open up more about things that are going on for them. But regardless of what I know to be helpful, I was still hesitant to do that for myself. Again, this is tied to the above-discussed reasons of all the should haves.

Secondly, I have decided to undertake therapy as a way to better my practice. I am interested to see what it is like to be in the “other chair”, as it were. I want to experience what it might be like for the clients I work with. To better understand their challenges, fears, or worries when sitting across from me. To know what it feels like to speak to someone you don’t know well about private and personal things. I am interested to see what I like and don’t like, so I can model some of that in my work if I think it might help.

I am also curious to know what the process feels like on the receiving end. What it might feel like to have “light bulb moments” of clarity or to have someone else offer a different perspective that allows you to make a link you would not have made on your own or to have someone offer what we all want, some validation. I also want to know what it’s like to be challenged – on what exactly, I am unsure. Maybe a belief or a way of coping. To be gently nudged away from something I might be holding onto. I might not experience everything I have written down, but these are my aims. And hopefully, as I’ve said, I can add some of it to my practice.

And there you have it – my two reasons for wanting to undertake therapy at this stage in my life. Nothing profound, to be sure, but my reasons, nonetheless. As this is something I hope to benefit you as the reader, if there is anything you want to know (I have had some readers/followers pose some questions already), please let me know. You can pop the questions in a comment on this post or find me on my Instagram page.