The Mental Load of Single Women (without children)

The mental load is often thought about in terms of women with partners or families, but what mental burdens do single women without children carry?

A while ago, I created a video discussing women’s mental load (also known as the cognitive load or just “the mental load”), which is usually associated with women who have partners or families. In this group of women, I would include single parents (and, in this case, single mothers) who are either solo-parent or co-parent. While making the video, I found loads written about the mental load of partnered women or women with families and children, but I didn’t see anything about the mental load of single women who didn’t have any kids to look after.

So, in the process of making the video, I became curious about the mental load carried by single women who don’t have children and asked my female followers who were single and childless to share the things that weigh on their minds on a regular basis. Over 60 women responded. I used both the question function on Instagram and the NGL anonymous question box, and while the space for replies on those features isn’t a lot, the 60 responses were enough to give me a sense of what single women without children might have on their minds. I then used AI to collate the most common themes mentioned in the replies and turned these themes into polls, and once more asking single women without children how much they agreed or disagreed with each theme impacting their mental load. 

In brief, each theme is ranked from most impactful to least: household management, financial responsibility, workplace and career challenges, emotional labour and decision-making, navigation of dating and relationships, safety concerns, social concerns, gendered expectations and social pressures, isolation and loneliness, and caregiving responsibilities.

Now, before we look at each theme in more detail, it is worth noting that this is just a snapshot of the things single women without children might experience. This doesn’t necessarily mean that every single woman who has no children will agree with this list, nor is it an exhaustive list. It’s very possible that the same set of questions asked at a different time would have yielded a different set of themes. But I guess this gives some insight into what might weigh heavily on the mental load of a group of women whose mental load is perhaps not thought about as much as those with families and partners.

Here is a breakdown of each theme with a few examples of the comments that influenced them. At the end, I will share some reflections I have about the themes as a whole.

Household Management (177 out of 196 voters: 90.3%)

Many single women reported that managing their households is a significant challenge, as they must take care of everything independently, from daily chores to big decisions. This includes managing finances (see below), maintaining the home, and dealing with logistical issues. Some women worry about running a home on a single income, while others struggle to remember simple things like putting out the bins. Additionally, single women often have to coordinate repairs and maintenance and ensure everything runs smoothly daily. Making every decision alone, from planning social events to ensuring personal safety (themes noted further down, too), can also add to the already challenging task of managing a household. Here are some of the quotes that made up this theme:

• “Running a house on a single income and the worry that comes with it.”

• “Paying bills, organising appointments, getting car to garage or remembering MOT.”

• “Well everything in life is our responsibility. Like, I know women who are married do more than their partner, but even if he did the bare minimum, its still more help than we get at home. We have to think about all the cooking, cleaning, bills, pink jobs, blue jobs, keeping our job, being a good friend, consoling ourselves, planning social lives, do well at work, save, plan holidays, etc.”

• “Finances, house maintenance, general bills. But not as much as women in relationships.”

• “Thinking about washing, shopping, bins out, earn enough to live, holidays, work, social plans, bills.”

• “Adulting plus two male housemates. Still end up managing the house.”

• “Making every decision yourself. No one to bounce ideas with.”

• “Bills, what to eat, small logistic things can be mind-blowing when the easy option would be to have someone drop you off or pick you up.”

Financial Responsibility (181 out of 202: 89.6%)

Single women often face financial challenges due to managing their finances on a single income. These challenges include concerns about financial stability, paying bills, and managing everyday expenses without any assistance. The added pressure of planning for the future and making important financial decisions alone also adds to the burden. Single women also have to deal with the added expenses of being single and the gender wage gap (although I would be interested in exploring or learning more about the gender wage gap that is experienced by single women, as there have been more recent considerations that the gender pay gap is a childbearing penalty and that earnings for single women without children are not impacted all that much. So, if you have any thoughts to share about this, I would be interested in hearing them, and I will more than likely do some digging into this). All these factors make managing finances independently a daunting task. Here are some of the quotes that made up this theme:

• "All the stuff from when I was in a relationship plus the financial burden of being single income."

• "Single income worries and safety worries being solo woman."

• "Running a house on a single income and the worry that comes with it."

• "Financial mental load due to gender wage gap and single income."

• "The extra cost of being single."

Workplace and Career Challenges (153 out of 184: 83.1%)

Managing personal and professional lives seems to be considered a challenge for many single women. It is noted that they often struggle to balance career aspirations with caregiving duties and other personal responsibilities and find it difficult to access workplace benefits like parental leave or flexible schedules. Single women may also feel disadvantaged in the workplace compared to their coupled peers and face gendered expectations and biases that can make navigating workplace dynamics even more challenging. Here are some of the quotes that made up this theme:

• "Balancing career responsibilities with personal life demands."

• "Balancing work, friends, family, chores, dating, world events, other people’s mental loads. It’s an endless list."

• "Managing my own schedule. Making EVERY SINGLE life decision and no one to consult."

• “Workplace being less flexible for single people priority time off for parents).”

• "Teacher – the mental load with the job is crazy whatever your gender."

• "Work, house, family, friends, money, pets, expectation."

Emotional Labour and Decision-Making (162 out of 195 voters: 83%)

Single women face numerous challenges regarding decision-making and emotional labour, which can make their lives more complex. They have to navigate their feelings alone and manage the emotional well-being of others without any support from a partner, which can be quite stressful. Making decisions alone, from everyday tasks to major life choices, can take its toll on them. Here are some of the quotes that made up this theme:

• “A constant internal dialogue that’s never ever quiet.”

• “Managing everything, we just don’t have to delegate.”

• “Making every decision yourself. No one to bounce ideas with.”

• “The mental load of making every decision alone, from organizing social events to planning for personal safety.”

• “Bearing the emotional burden of making decisions alone, managing their own emotions and the emotional well-being of others without support.”

• “The mental load of managing dating dynamics and planning social lives alone, without the ability to delegate tasks or share responsibilities with a partner.”

• “Feeling the pressure to maintain relationships and fulfil social obligations without the support of a partner.”

• “Initiating difficult conversations and setting boundaries.”

Navigating Dating and Relationships (141 out of 174 voters: 81%)

Navigating dating and relationships presents unique challenges for single women, who often face societal expectations and complex dynamics. Many respondents expressed concerns about proving their worth and managing relationships independently amidst pressures to conform to traditional gender roles. For example, one respondent mentioned the stress of dating safety considerations, including going on dates with unknown individuals, while another highlighted the emotional labour of initiating difficult conversations and setting boundaries. Additionally, single women often grapple with the societal pressure to find a partner and start a family, facing judgment and scrutiny for their single status. Another respondent described the mental load of managing dating dynamics and planning social lives alone, without the ability to delegate tasks or share responsibilities with a partner. Here are some of the quotes that made up this theme:

• “Safety admin, aesthetics, date planning.”

• “Dating. Now that’s a mental fuck tonne itself.”

• “The mental load of managing dating dynamics and planning social lives alone.”

• “Managing dating safety considerations, including going on dates with unknown individuals.”

• “Navigating dating dynamics and societal expectations regarding relationships and family.”

• “Feeling pressure to prove worth and navigate romantic relationships independently."

• "Proving worth and managing relationships independently amidst pressures to conform to traditional gender roles.”

• “Managing dating dynamics and planning social lives alone, without the ability to delegate tasks or share responsibilities with a partner.”

• “Navigating societal expectations and complex dynamics without the support of a partner.”

• “Managing dating and societal pressures to find a partner and start a family.”

Safety Concerns (154 out of 194 voters: 79.3%)

Many respondents expressed worries about personal safety, especially when it comes to travelling alone or engaging in social activities. For instance, one respondent mentioned the anxiety of getting home safely, particularly during the darker months, while another highlighted the additional safety measures required when dating unknown individuals. Additionally, single women are often responsible for managing their own security and well-being, including making decisions to protect themselves from potential harm. Another respondent described the mental load of strategising for personal safety, from assessing risks in various situations to planning escape routes in case of danger. Here are some of the quotes that made up this theme:

• “How to get home safely alone (especially in winter).”

• “Safety admin, aesthetics, date planning.”

• “Safety considerations as we do more alone (including going on dates with unknown men).”

• “Navigating safety considerations and organizing social events independently.”

• “Ensuring personal safety while traveling alone or engaging in social activities.”

• “Making decisions to protect themselves from potential harm.”

• “The anxiety of ensuring they get home safely, particularly during the darker months.”

• “Strategising for personal safety, from assessing risks in various situations to planning escape routes in case of danger.”

• “Navigating safety concerns without the support of a partner.”

• “Feeling pressure to maintain personal safety while dating and engaging in social activities.”

Social Concerns (146 out of 190 voters: 76.8%)

It seems that single women without children often feel the pressure to maintain relationships and fulfil social obligations. Many respondents expressed the mental load of organising social events, maintaining friendships, and balancing multiple social roles. For instance, one respondent mentioned feeling overwhelmed by the expectation to be available for friends and family at a moment’s notice, while another highlighted the difficulty of maintaining friendships while juggling work and personal responsibilities. Additionally, single women often find themselves as the primary organiser for social gatherings and events, feeling the weight of coordinating plans and ensuring everyone’s needs are met. Another respondent described the mental load of being the organizer for friends and colleagues and the pressure to maintain connections with family members and extended social networks. Here are some of the quotes that made up this theme:

• “Keeping up with all our friends and families and kids, events and being everything to everyone.”

• “We get lumped with organising social stuff for work, caring for elderly relatives.”

• “Maintaining relationships with family, friends, and extended family.”

• “Organising social events for people who have families and too busy to organise stuff themselves but want to hang out still.”

• “Maintaining friendships while juggling work and personal responsibilities.”

• “Being the organiser for friends/colleagues, strategising for personal safety.”

• “Feeling the pressure to be available for friends and family at a moment's notice.”

• “Navigating societal pressures to find a partner and prove worth.”

• “Feeling overlooked or misunderstood by coupled friends and family members.”

• “Managing dating dynamics and planning social lives alone, without the ability to delegate tasks or share responsibilities with a partner.”

Gendered Expectations and Social Pressures (135 out of 176: 76.7%)

Gendered expectations and social pressures exert a significant burden on single women, who often feel judged and misunderstood due to societal norms and stereotypes surrounding relationships and family status. Many respondents expressed frustration with the pressure to conform to traditional gender roles and expectations, particularly regarding marriage and motherhood. For example, one respondent mentioned feeling judged for not being a mother and worrying about societal expectations related to fertility and family planning, while another highlighted the stigma attached to being a single woman in a society geared toward couples. Another respondent described the mental load of navigating societal pressures to find a partner and prove their worth and the added challenges of being perceived as less valuable or successful due to their single status. Here are some of the quotes that made up this theme:

• “Being judged for not being a mother.”

• “Worrying about societal expectations related to fertility, marriage, and family.”

• “Feeling judged or misunderstood due to their single status.”

• “Navigating societal expectations and gender roles related to family status.”

• “The pressure to conform to traditional gender roles and expectations.”

• “Facing stigma attached to being a single woman in a society geared toward couples.”

• “Feeling the pressure to find a partner and start a family.

• “Navigating workplace dynamics and gendered expectations.”

• “Managing dating dynamics and societal expectations regarding relationships and family.”

• “Feeling overlooked or misunderstood by coupled friends and family members.”

Isolation and Loneliness (129 out of 180 voters: 71.7%)

Navigating life without the companionship and support of a partner was another significant issue for single women without children. Many respondents expressed feelings of loneliness and isolation, compounded by societal expectations and the lack of a romantic relationship. For instance, one respondent mentioned the struggle of building confidence and making friends without feeling lonely, while another highlighted the difficulty of being comfortable with being alone without being perceived as lonely. Additionally, single women often feel overlooked or misunderstood by coupled friends and family members, further exacerbating feelings of isolation. Another respondent described the mental load of dealing with loneliness while managing personal responsibilities and societal pressures to find a partner. Here are some of the quotes that made up this theme:

• “Feeling lonely without the companionship and support of a partner.”

• “Experiencing feelings of loneliness and isolation.”

• “Struggling to build confidence and make friends without feeling lonely.”

• “Feeling overlooked or misunderstood by coupled friends and family members, further exacerbating feelings of isolation.

• “Navigating life alone and facing heightened risks without the presence of a partner.”

• “Balancing career aspirations with personal life demands amidst feelings of isolation.”

• “Dealing with loneliness while managing personal responsibilities and societal pressures to find a partner.”

• “Worrying about being comfortable with being alone without being perceived as lonely.”

• “Facing judgment and scrutiny for their single status, contributing to feelings of isolation.”

• “Managing personal responsibilities independently while feeling lonely.”

Caregiving Responsibilities (98 out of 186 voters: 52.7%)

These single women often find themselves shouldering the burden of caring for family members. Many respondents expressed the mental load of providing care for elderly parents and siblings while also managing their own lives. For example, one respondent mentioned feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to be the primary caregiver and decision-maker within their family, while another highlighted the emotional and financial strain of caring for elderly parents alone. Additionally, single women often face challenges in balancing caregiving duties with work and personal responsibilities, further adding to their mental load. Another respondent described the difficulty of managing caregiving responsibilities while also navigating societal expectations and gendered pressures related to family roles. Here are some of the quotes that made up this theme:

• “Managing everything, we just don’t have to delegate. But especially single mums, still everything.”

• “Doing everything for our parents because our brother is too important and has a family.”

• “Looking after elderly parents.”

• “Looking after other family members, eg, brothers, parents, being the peacekeeper, being expected to be selfless and proactive in your community.”

• “Managing caregiving responsibilities while also navigating societal expectations and gendered pressures.”

• “Feeling the pressure to be the primary caregiver and decision-maker within their family.”

• “Navigating the emotional and financial strain of caring for elderly parents alone.”

• “Feeling overwhelmed by the burden of providing care for family members without the support of a partner.”

Reflections

Not that my reflections necessarily count for much (but you are reading my blog, so..), but I did notice some similarities between what single women without children might face and what single men without children might face. For example, I can fully believe that things like maintaining a household, juggling finances, and dating are aspects of life that single men without children might experience. In fact, when I was doing these polls, one man noted that some of the themes posted weighed on his mind as well. So, in the interest of fairness, I might do something similar for men without children.

However, some of the key differences within the similarities across themes seem to be things like the experience of the gender pay gap mentioned in relation to financial difficulties and the safety concerns for single women when dating. I do not think that safety concerns are something that men think about when dating women (this is a purely anecdotal assumption but is also – I think – well supported by the seeming lack of evidence and/or discussion around it).

I was surprised by a few things, though. For one, I was surprised that safety concerns were so low down in the ranking of concerns. However, having said that they certainly were still on the higher end of the percentage side of things. But I guess I was surprised that the areas of household maintenance, finances, work, emotional labour, etc, came before safety concerns. This is possibly because the topic of violence against women is something that I think about often, both at work and in my social media presence, and so I expected it to be in the top two at least.

I was also surprised by some of the themes, such as the pressure on single women to organise social events and caregiving responsibilities, mostly because these were not things I had ever considered. Women are often expected to take on nurturing roles, and it is interesting to see how this is potentially paralleled across social groups and within families, especially as parents age. This also made me think about how brothers within families may not consider the part they need to play in handling family dynamics and caring for their parents.

Something else that struck me was the concern about isolation and loneliness. Not to diminish the loneliness and friendlessness that men experience (and according to some data, is on the rise), but this is something that is often talked about more in relation to men, and there is less consideration given to the fact that women may experience this too. I think there is often an assumption that women have more friends because they are seemingly more sociable and can connect with others more easily. And while this may be true in comparison to men, it seems that there might be a cohort of women who experience isolation and loneliness quite significantly.

However, as noted above, all of this is just a snapshot of what single women without children might experience, and nothing is definitive. As always, these polls are more about being curious and trying to understand certain topics that pique my interest in a little more detail. And hopefully to prompt some conversation or consideration about the things that are discussed.

But, in conclusion, it seems that there are several things that may contribute to the mental load of single women. Some of these may be shared by single men without children, and some of them may not be unique to single women (e.g., women who have partners may also have significant safety concerns). But there are certain things I had not thought about before that might be experienced by some of my single friends who don’t have kids. Maybe it has done the same for you. And if you are a single woman without children reading this, I would be very interested to hear your thoughts. Have the cohort of women who provided the answers that shaped the themes got things right, or do you have a different experience?

As always, thanks for reading.

All the best,

Nice-ish.