Why Do We Get Offended?
And how to (possibly) have tricky conversations that minimise offence.
Answering questions submitted to me in my “Ask Me Anything” segments on my Instagram account.
My answer is obviously based on a number of assumptions, as the question doesn’t give the whole context that might have prompted it. However, from what I can tell, there seems to be an element of worry that asking (some) men to be better role models might offend them.
It goes without saying, but I am going to say it anyway: the advice given here is only – at best – general guidance. None of what I say here is guaranteed to help in this situation as I do not have all the facts. Therefore, for anyone reading this, use these as suggestions and adapt to your own personal circumstances.
As a starting point, it might be worth looking at why people feel offended. We often become offended when someone says or does something that goes against an ideal, value, or belief that we might have around certain things, particularly of a personal nature, that are linked to our self-concept or our identity. The degree to which we are offended depends on how strongly we hold onto those ideals, values, or beliefs and how much they are connected to how we see ourselves as a person.
For example, I am offended when people say they have not seen or (more insultingly) don’t like Die Hard, as I am of the strong opinion that it is one of the best films ever made; however, the degree to which I am offended is very minimal as I am also of the belief that not everyone can have as good a taste in films as I do… (and I am also self-aware enough to realise that some people don’t like films, or don’t like violent actions films, or don’t like Bruce Willis). Also, my identity as a Die Hard fan is a less prominent (although definitely present) aspect of my identity and how I see myself as a person.
However, and linked to the question above, I am more likely to take offence if someone comments on my child’s behaviour and links that to my skills as a parent. So, if for example, my kid does something in the park, and I overhear another parent say something along the lines of “Only kids with bad parents do that,” I am much more likely to take offence as my values of wanting to raise a well-behaved, but autonomous and free-spirited kid are linked to my identity as a father, both of which I hold onto quite strongly. Therefore, it makes sense to approach the conversation of men and role modelling with some sensitivity as they may see themselves in a certain light. It is possible that when having a discussion like this, the other person might hear something to the effect of, “I want you to be a better role model because I think you are bad.”
Ultimately, you can’t guarantee how someone will hear or personalise a discussion like this, but I guess the way to reduce this is to focus on the “what,” the “why,” and the “how.”
Discussions about behaviour change are likely to go better if you focus on the behaviour that you want to see changed, i.e., the “what”. For example, rather than saying, “You are such a messy person,” which has a higher likelihood of being personalised and can be taken as an insult, it is more effective to say, “I have noticed that you leave your clothes lying on the floor rather than putting them in the laundry basket.” I guess you have to separate the subjective and potentially judgemental (“you are a messy person”) from the factual and that which is based on evidence (“I notice that your clothes are left on the floor”). You can’t really argue with facts.
Next, focus on the “why” and the “how.” Why have you noticed the laundry being on the floor? How does it make you feel when you see that, and how would you like things to be different? It is helpful to provide context as to why you are having this discussion, but also on the impact on you or those around you (if we’re going back to the idea of being a role model). Being less focused on the person, focus on the behaviours and the impact of those behaviours. And if we are worried about how a person might feel when making these requests, then we can always validate how they feel. Or maybe pre-empt what they might be feeling (e.g., “I know this might feel like a personal attack, I promise you it’s not…”)
Now for some caveats.
Firstly, it is not guaranteed that this kind of discussion will be a one-off. It will likely have to happen several times over. It takes a while for people to change/adjust their behaviour because our actions often become automatic, which can be hard to change. It takes effort on behalf of the person being asked to do something different, and it might take some reminding, but also time to allow them to change what has been asked of them. Secondly, there is no guarantee that even by asking for things to be different in the ways described above, the person being asked will not be offended or insulted. We can try our best to manage the emotions of others, and there are absolutely ways to have conversations or bring up tricky discussions that are empathetic and sensitive, but that does not assure that the other person won’t receive the commentary/request badly. In this instance, the best thing to do is stick to the request and focus on the behaviour.
Having said all this, while it is obviously a nice thing to hold in mind how someone else might react to a request to change some aspect of their behaviour, being worried about whether they are offended should not stop us from making our requests. In Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, one of the things taught is how much or how little to ask for or say no to something. It’s called “The Dime Game”, and it basically asks 10 questions (e.g., “Do I have the facts to support my request?”, “Is the person able to give me what I want?”, “Am I responsible for telling the person what to do?”), and for every question you say “yes” to, you “put down a time”. The more dimes you have after going through all 10 questions (say 7 out of 10 dimes), the more assertively you can ask for something. A similar principle applies here: if asking a man to change some aspects of their behaviour in order to be a better role model for your children is important to you, etc., then how they feel about being asked is only part of the whole process that needs to be considered. And if you have made several requests over time, starting off gently, but nothing changes or defences repeatedly come up, then you can absolutely start to make more assertive requests.
But just to return to what I said at the start of the blog, all of this is general guidance and are very broad suggestions. But hopefully, this has been helpful in some way, and could perhaps be applied to other situations.