Why New Year’s Resolutions Fail...
and How to Overcome That (Maybe...)
This is a transcript of an episode of the The Nice-ish Ramblings Podcast. You can listen to the full episode (and loads of others) here.
Hello and welcome. So, theoretically, you should be listening to this on Boxing Day, December 26, 2023. If it’s not Boxing Day 2023, then I am personally insulted that you didn’t listen to this episode on the day of release. But I guess I am still grateful to you for listening anyway.
So, hello – how are you feeling? If you do and did celebrate Christmas, I hope it was a nice day. Although, admittedly, I am conscious that Christmas can be a bit of a cluster fuck for some people. If it was a challenging day for you, then I am glad it’s over.
In today’s episode, we are going to talk about New Year’s resolutions and why they fail. I thought it might be pretty timely to think about resolutions because the end of each year usually brings with it the mantra of “New Year, New Me”. This is something I used to buy into in my younger years, but as I’ve gotten older – and with the benefit of some insights drawn from my career as a psychologist – I have come to view that mantra and New Year’s resolutions less and less favourably. I mean, if I am being completely honest, I think it’s all a load of bollocks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against personal growth and changing things you might not be happy about in your life, but it takes a bit more thought than “New Year, New Me”. And inherently, there is no “new you.”. There is just the same you but with some progress.
And I don’t hate New Year’s resolutions per se, but I’m not the biggest fan of the “New Year, New Me” mantra. Personally, I think it’s a load of oversimplified bullshit that doesn’t consider how difficult change can be, and the idea that a new year can simply be a brand new slate from which to start is a little bit reductive in my view. By and large, human beings are just trying their best with the skills they have, to deal with the challenges that life throws at them. And if you have goals for the new year, they don't need to start at midnight, at the beginning of what is considered the most depressing month of year. So, you know, my view is to be kind to yourself and not put too much pressure on yourself at the start of the year to suddenly change something about yourself.
On the other hand, if “New Year, New Me” is something that gets you through, then by all means use it as you see fit. And if resolutions are your thing, and you have some lined up for the end of 2023/start of 2024 I thought it might be handy to look at why New Year’s resolutions fail; so that you can do your best to stick to them and attain the change you want. So, f you are planning some New Year’s resolutions, and you are thinking “this is the year I am going to stick to them” (which I think everyone does), here are some insights as to why we might not end up following through with our planned change. And because I am a psychologist, I can’t just tell you why something doesn't work, I have to also give you some insights as to how to do things differently. So, there are also some suggestions of what to do to help you follow through with your goals.
The first reason we might not follow through with our New Year’s resolutions is that: “We don't understand why we do (or don't do) something in the first place.” This relates to the basic psychological premise that every behaviour (or avoidance of a behaviours) has a function. Either deep-seated or fairly low-level, there is probably a reason why we engage in the behaviours we want to change; and without understanding the function of these behaviours we will struggle to think of ways in which to successfully change them or do things differently.
So, then, what to do? Well, this this might require some introspection and a little more thought than is usually required of New Year's resolutions. But once you have identified something you want to change, try and think about why you do it in the first place. In order to figure this out, you might have to make notes of when, where, or around who you do (or don't do) the behaviour. Once you have figured this out, you can start to put strategies in place to change whatever the behaviour is. For example, if you want to decrease your alcohol use, it might be that you think about when or with whom your alcohol intake increases. Maybe there are specific days of the week that you have a few more drinks that others. Sometimes these behaviours can feel so automatic that we don’t give them a second thought – but there is usually a reason as to why we started in the first place, which then perhaps led to the formation of a habit. It might be that work is more stressful on certain days, and so you have two or three glasses of wine rather than none. Once you work out the pattern or reason for the behaviour, it’s then easier to put changes in.
The second reason for the failure or New Year’s resolutions that you're likely treating a marathon like a sprint. It’s more than natural to want to reap the fruits of our efforts and labour and to notice change immediately; on top of this we also live in a society where immediacy is expected (and valued). Therefore, when things take longer than we anticipate, we can often feel like we are doing something wrong or not doing enough in order to change. However, change is slow. If you think about it, and as mentioned just now, you're trying to change a behaviour that has likely had a long time to imbed itself; therefore, it is a bit unrealistic to expect that something will change overnight.
So, what do you do? Well, it might be helpful to lower your expectations of how long something will take to change and understand that change takes time - usually a lot more time than we initially think. Of course, it is helpful to set a timeframe in which to achieve a goal, but these do not need to be fixed and absolute. Instead, treat them like review periods to see how things are going and then set another timeframe to review how things are going further down the line.
Which leads into the third reason, that we often don’t understand that relapse is part of change (i.e. it's normal to fuck up...) In 1983, two Prochaska and DiClemente developed the idea that change goes through several stages, including a “relapse” stage (i.e., falling back into old behaviour). They identified that changing behaviour first time round was a nigh impossible task and that relapse was inevitable. However, when we relapse we often see that as a failure, that we were unsuccessful and we give up instead of persisting. It's almost like we give ourselves a “one strike” and you're out" rule. How harsh is that?
So, instead of seeing relapse as a failure, we should instead use it for its intended purpose: to acknowledge how far we have come, take stock of what helped us get to that point, and reflect on what led us to relapse. Once we figure out how we relapsed, we can get back on the cycle again and input the newly learned information to make sure we don't relapse at the same stage again. But basically, the main takeaway message is that relapse is normal and does not equal failure.
The next thing to consider is that you don't have any external support or anyone to hold you accountable. Along with time, change requires sustained action. We need to be consistent and persistent in what we want to change, which can be tiring. After all, when we are trying to change old behaviour, we are trying to fight against automatic and ingrained ways of doing things, which also feel comfortable and easy. The ease and comfort of old behaviour can make it easy to slip back into our old ways, which can be hard to notice (or easy to rationalise or justify) when we do this all by ourselves.
One way to combat this is to find someone to help you out and hold you accountable when you are slipping back into your old ways. But make sure that this is the right kind of support. You don't need someone who is critical and mean - you need a cheerleader, not a military troop leader (I'm thinking the opposite of the dickhead drill sergeant in "Full Metal Jacket" here). You need someone who will keep you in check, not make you think you have failed.
Something that might not be obvious is that you might actually scared of (and possibly resistant to) achieving your resolution. As previously noted, old behaviours are comfortable and easy. We might not like them (otherwise, we wouldn't want to change them), but there is something reassuring and less-anxiety-provoking about engaging in behaviours we are familiar with – even if they are counterproductive. Therefore, it is understandable that you might be resistant to engaging in the new behaviours because, honestly, they may feel like an effort. We are also annoyingly proficient at predicting our own failure, so sometimes, instead of failing, it's easier to just never really fully start.
It might be helpful then to try to identify thoughts and/or bodily sensations you may have in the lead-up to your new behaviour that indicate resistance (they can occur either hours or right before). When we notice things, we are able to make decisions about how to proceed, i.e., ignoring the urge to resist the new behaviour and doing it anyway. Resources for identifying thoughts and bodily urges can be easily found on the internet. One skill that might be helpful is something called Opposite Action, which is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a skill used in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, and it is a strategy to hold in mind when you recognise that you are engaging in unhelpful behaviours prompted by strong emotions. It is typically an emotional regulation skill, but it can be especially good for combating avoidant strategies, those behaviours that might be motivated by anxiety and discomfort.
And finally, the last remaining factor that hinders the success of New Year’s resolutions is that your resolution isn't about you. Often it is too easy to make resolutions that align with what other people think is best for us; after all, other people usually give us feedback about things that we do. Also, Western society pretty much functions through telling us what is wrong with us so that they can sell us things to make us "better". Anyway, if resolutions do not align with what is important to us and will bring no meaning to our own lives, we are less likely to follow through with them because... well, why would we?
So, if there is something that you want to change, try to connect the change with your values. Values are pretty much what guide our beliefs and our behaviours; therefore, if we can connect behavioural change to values (i.e. things that are important to us), we are more likely to stick to the change because if we don't, then we will be going against our own values instead of the values of others.
And there we go. Those are some reasons as to why – if New Year’s resolutions are your thing – you might struggle to keep to them, as well as some suggestions of how to stick to me. Or at least increase your chance of keeping them. And basically, if you want to make changes at the end of this year, try not to make them flippantly or without any thought about how to go about it. But as the same time, try not to be such a dick to yourself about who you are that you think a complete overhaul is what is required. And with that, there’s nothing left for me to say other than Happy New Year, and I will see you in 2024. All the best, and as always, thanks for listening.
If you enjoyed listening to this podcast, please like, share and leave a comment wherever you get your podcasts. It really helps let others know whether the show is a bag of shit. Also, if you would like to get in touch, you can find me on Instagram or email me at theniceishpscyh@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and I’ll to you soon.
Sources
The top 3 reasons New Year's resolutions fail and how yours can succeed, (Caprino, 2019);
A psychotherapist says there are 3 common reasons so many people's New Year's resolutions end in failure, (Abadi, 2019);
10 Reasons Why New Year's Resolutions Fail, (Wallen, 2020);
The Transtheoretical Model of Change Prochaska & DiClemente, (1983)